On the eve ....

Its 11:33pm on the eve of my 1 year anniversary of being diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

I've spent the last 4 hours of my night on you tube .. reflecting ... I have been remembering what I have been through in the past year - remembering the pain of my journey -watching tribute video clips of Belinda Emmett & Jane McGrath that help me focus on my reason to fight, as personal as my journey it - it is also a public fight. One that we need to voice to ensure we raise awareness of this horrible disease. As much as I am a private person, I need to share my tears, my pain, my struggles with you all so that when someone asks you to donate towards finding a cure you dont think twice... so when someone else in your life lets you know this has happend to them too you may have some type of an insight into what they may be going through.

Every day is a constant struggle for me, a struggle to stay positive, a struggle to stay focused. I know that this disease will be with me for a life time - no matter how hard I try and stay positive there are times when I cant help but crumble.. like now.. as I type this tears flow down my face as I think about all I have been through, all that I will no doubt go through - and all that I wish I could have... peace. I just cant get out of my head how they say you are a survivor if you survive for 5 years once you have been diagnosed ... what the hell is 5 years?? I dont agree with that at all... I only see myself as a survivor of this disease if A) I die of old age or B) something else takes my life .. how the hell can 5 years be what we strive for to be called a survivor?

I always try and play the song - its not my time by 3 doors down - its my inspiration when I really find it tough to stay happy and positive.

I am so over having to go to Peter Mac for my appointments - Im over having to take my meds every day and Im over getting my injections - still I need to dig deep and remind myself atleast Im no longer having chemo .. arrrrghh I get so frustrated at times with myself when I get upset about this journey - I feel like it is getting the better of me at times when my mind cant escape thinking about it. It would explain why I over book my days and keep myself so busy so that I dont have time to think -

I feel so emotionally drained this evening - I wish my tears would stop already - I wish I could conquer my fear but I just cant. I know that the year ahead will hopefully be filled with many good times and hopefully with good health... but my only true wish is that I have a peaceful mind, If I could just stop my thoughts from ticking endlessly about this rollercoaster journey then maybe I could truly be me again for a moment -whats harder then the journey this disease has put me on is finding me again - and I mean really finding me, not the one that is running away from what I am going through, but me - happy, carefree me.

Sometimes I just type and not really focus on what Im typing so my apologies if it doesnt make sense at times.

With that I am going to have a peppermint tea and a long shower to try and ease myself to sleep.


much love - and goodnight x