The Importance of Eating Right!

So I had my second day working at Curves today and I cannot tell you how great it is. It is fantastic to be surrounding myself with likeminded people when it comes to their need, want and desire to make sure they are living a healthy and active lifestyle.

One thing that has got me concerned is the amount of womens misconception on good nutrition.

I was astounded when I watched Biggest Loser America the other night and then again talking to a few members regarding nutrtion. The women who are SO eager to loser kilos fast are all eating or should I say not eating .. its astounds me. Surely we have all learnt that we need to eat atleast 6 meals a day - 3 being your main meals - obviously Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner and then ofcourse your snacks -

On biggest loser it had one of the teams where 2 women lost next to now weight on the scales yet the men and 1 other woman dominated .. when Gillian broke down the point of difference it all came down to their diet. The 2 women who lost next to nothing had only been eating 1 meal aday - totally not enough, where as the successful group had ensure they reached their daily calorie intake... everyone did the same amount of exercise - only thing was for those women who were starving themselves they failed to realise by doing so - they basically turned off their system .. their bodies were holding onto every lil bit of fat as it was in starvation mode.

So its really simple and clear guys - to get good effective results we need to ensure that we are eating 6 meals a day - always ensure that a portion of protein in consumed in each meal and be sure to obviously eat as much fresh organic food as possible and steer clear of processed goods.

I am feeling great - I have so much renewed engery. I am pumped and looking forward to a workout tonight with Brad & Louise - it is always easier to workout with friends/family as the motivation and stirring between eachother helps us all push that lil bit harder.

My scans are coming up soon for my ovary retests - but I am feeling confident with the results.

Off for a lil nap before I hit the gym - x

Right Industry

So this morning I did a workout at Curves (womens only gym) .. man it was actually suprisingly hard. For those of you who dont know it is basically a circuit training session that uses hydraulic machines - these things really manage to build up a sweat .. the resistance is incredible. Anyhow by the end of the my training session I found myself with a shift to start working there as of Monday - wow this is PERFECT! Not only will I now have a job in the industry I am studying towards (Cert III & IV in personal training/fitness) I now also get to work for a company that helps to improve they health and fitness choices of women .. and to make things even better they are HUGE supportes of the Breast Cancer Foundation.

So right now I am on top of the world knowing that my focus and direction and commitement to reaching my goals is slowly coming along.

Looking forward to seeing my pal Louise tonight (she just recently got engaged and I am in her bridal party) so I am SUPER DOOPER excited! No doubt we will spend the night talking all things 'wedding' and our partners will spend the night on Guitar Hero :)

Well I need to go pump up the music and motivate myself to clean the house .. have a good weekend! :)

What a morning ...

Wow, what a morning it has been! I woke up at 6.30 and headed straight down to the gym to do my usual session for the day .. only 5 mins in and I hear on the radio that Michael Jackson has died of a heart attack ..and if that wasnt sad enough for the morning I hear that Farrah Fawcett has unfortunately lost her battle with cancer.

These days, obiviously any story surrounding cancer grabs my attention instantly. It always brings up new fears and not to mention digs up the old ones I try and keep hidden.

As soon as I started reading her story I see that she had a 3 year battle .. after chemo she thought she had defeated it, only to find out it had returned .. That is my greatest fear - the cancer returning ... I have seen to many close people to me battle the bitch of a disease and for a moment have a glimmer of hope that they were now able to live on ... only to have it return shortly thereafter. Again this brings up thoughts about me wanting to eliminate EVERY possible chance of giving my cancer a chance of returning.

I cant help but wonder why my drs wont give me a hysterectomy .. I understand they say I am too you and that after my 5 years of menapause treatment it 'should' be ok - well i am sorry but SHOULD BE is not good enough for me. To me it makes perfectly clear sense .. I have a disease that feeds off of the hormones I produce .. so lets get rid of this hormone making machine ...for good - why the hell will we 'put it to sleep' for 5 years and then see if it ends up coming back? Fuck that - I aint taking any chances. My next review I will be ensuring I persist with them looking further into even removing my ovaries .. the more I hear about stories of cancer survivors dying only a few years into being in remission the more determined I am to do everything in my power to make sure I rule out any chance of that happening to me!

I am going to continue doing the best I can regarding my health and fitness ... I feel strong and love knowing I am doing the best by my body - inside and out .. if anything it is the only thing I can control .. the rest is up to the 'universe' to dictate my outcome.

So today Im going to go for a long walk whilst I listen to some Michael Jackson tracks then Ill head home and watch a 'Farrah Fawcett' movie - makes you re-appreciate life in so many ways!

On the right track ....

My new frame of mind is on overdrive. I feel fitter and healthier than I have in a long time. At the moment I am not working (took time off to complete all my surgeries, treatments and to purely reflect) anyhow even though I have no job to wake up for in the morning I am still managing to JUMP out at 6am ... I hit the gym first thing, usually with Brad and if his not heading in then Ill go on my own. I am feeling really really strong, especially mentally. I love that I no longer lie around in bed all day feeling sorry for myself - I love that I am getting out there and enjoying every moment of my life.

Today I did an upper body weights session - usually my right arm is the strongest and I nail any sets of exercise and completely destroy my left side .. however it was a different story today. I noticed that through my sets of weights my right arm was STRUGGLING - it would start to shake within the first few seconds .. I couldn't believe how weak my arm had gotten in the few months I hadn't been training. As I had nerve damage in my right arm I obviously took it easy in the past 4 months .. well that is about to change. It has made me realise how important it is to continually keep movement ..even after my surgery I should have at least been doing some sort of 'rehabilitation' exercises to keep the movement and strength somewhat there.

Ok so one of my first goals is to rebuild my upper body strength - in specific my chest. I am focused on setting myself lots of mini goals and ensuring I accomplish every single one of them.

I have another session tomorrow morning at 7am with Brad .. the Friday will be my rest day as Saturday it is back in the gym at Curves .. I have been offered work there and am contemplating taking it... will be weird going from a lady of leisure and time to a lady of work lol.

Anyways I am off for a quick walk around the neighbourhood before it gets dark.

Stay strong - stay positive - stay focused!

Trust in Me ...

Ok so its been a lil while since I last posted .. so much has been happening I have hardly had a spare 5 mins to relax, let alone update (sorry).

Ok so my 'cyst' on my ovaries is still being tested. the results came back inconclusive (WTF) anyhow - I am trying to remain positive through any little hurdles that come up .. at the end of the day until it comes back clearly one way or the other, I am not going to allow myself to stress over it.

So this past week has been a HUGE shifting point in my headspace. Ive refocussed and recommited to myself and my goals.

I have said numerous times that getting this disease has been a hidden blessing, yet i found myself slipping and taking neglect of what it is here to teach me. So with this in mind I have changed some things in my day to day world.

I have redug out my 'gratitude book' ... this is a plain scarp book that I make the time at the end of each night to write down something I was greatful for that day ... it is so uplifting to read back on ....

One of the other areas was my health that I wanted to grab hold of and make a change .. I have really stepped it up a notch these days .. my eating is pretty damn clean, I am huge on protein .. I make sure that whatever I am eating is as fresh and organic as possible - but hey I am only human so I allow myself the odd splurge on say a pizza or chocolate here and there ... life is too short to deprive yourself of pleasures...however I do believe that you need to earn these .. my workouts have completely taken hold of my days and I am LOVING it and feeling FANTASTIC!

The more I work out the more I want to keep going .. it obviously helps that I am looking better than I did only months ago ... but more so than anything else the new found level of energy I have is AMAZING!

It is so important for me to want to keep inspiring other women about early detection of breast cancer but just as important is my need and want to educate women on the positive benefits of a good clean diet and healthy exercise regieme .. and I am not talking about a quick fix weightloss solution to fit back into that lil black dress .. I am not talking about an 'occassion' to lose weight - I am talking about inspiring women to be in the best damn possible shape, inside and out for LIFE ...

So today I have completed my morning Vgym session with Brad which was tought .. I really felt the ab workouts today .. but I got home pumped up my ipod and danced through my morning chores ... I have spin class tonight with my cousin Vanessa ( I love working out with her, she is so funny and that girl is a true picture of what hard work, dedication and self committement can do for your body) ... I am also really looking forward to having a lamb on the spit (Croatian speciality) @ my cousins tonight ... YUM!

Its back to me trusting in myself to do the best thing possible for my body .. if I have any chance of living a long life and this goes for anyone else reading this, then we need to ensure we have created the ultimate healthly lifestyle for ourselves.

I leave you today on a much higher note than I have done of late ... but thats the point of change .. it is never to late to make one!

x

The Fear in Me....

Tonight is a sad moment .... I learnt just moments ago that a close family friend passed from ovarian cancer. I dont even know what to say or think ...

Last week in Adelaide I went and saw her in hospital .. she looked so frail ... I could hardly bring myself to make eye contact as it just brought up so many emotions. This lady had been the one my mum spoke about constantly throughout my journey, as whilst she was on a journey of ovarian cancer it was similar to mine, with all the chemo, surgeries - side effects etc.

I remember back to my mum giving me words of strength from this lady, everytime I heard about her fighting spirit, her will to live it made me fight even harder. When I had chemo and could hardly get myself out of bed I would think of her and how my mum kept making reference to how she would push herself to get up ..and slowly do things around the house .. she didnt want to die so she kept pushing herself to live. These stories helped me do the same, they helped me raise my head off my pillow when all I really wanted to do was lie there .. chemo felt like being hit by a truck.. yet knowing it was mind over matter I would get up ..get dressed and go to work .. I felt bad if I complained to much - after all we were both getting chemo and she seemed to be handling it so well, so why would I have a right to complain.

When I saw her in hospital I couldnt help but think - my god that could be me ... and thats thing that scares me ... it still could be me. I try not to think of the depth of this disease ... but it frightens me to my core. This is the first person since my journey that has passed because of the disease ... breast...ovarian .. lung ... it makes no difference ... the fact is Cancer is a bitch ... and it is so far more powerful then any of us care to allow ourselves to realise.

Her passing has really rocked me ... she was so positive .. such a fighter - yet it still managed to take her life. I sit hear typing this, with tears streaming down my face.... I dont want that to be me .. It makes me rethink about how they say this disease has a 5 year mark .. pass that and your a survivor. Well fuck that - I dont want to die of this disease - I want to live ... I want to see my lil boy go to school .. I want to see him fall in love, and travel and live life ... I want to be there to teach him how precious time is. I have truly found love for myself now and I am truly learning to live life and enjoy the beauty of it ... Its funny that its taken me 28 years to find a peace and belonging within myself- but now that I have it I am no way near letting go of it.

Its funny ... whilst so far I feel good I live with fear every day that my journey isnt yet over .. Ive even planned my funeral .. the songs that will be played .. the service ... the fact I want all my organs donated to science .. everything ... It makes me sick that, that is even on my mind at my age - but the reality is... it is ....

I try so hard to be positive everyday ... I try so hard to live life as healthy as possible ... I watch what I eat ... I exercise regulary - and I love it ... but the demons in my head about this journey never seem to rest.

Crying is healthy and healing .. so thats what I am exactly going to do ...

night x

Time does heal...

Well its been a lil while since I last blogged, I can honestly say that I have missed it. I guess it is just so healing ... speaking of healing ...

This past week I went to Adelaide to see my family, I was excited and nervous - I hadnt seem my dad for 3 years.. I hadnt seen him since I left my ex husband - not to mention since I have been ill.

My dad and I are so much a like, were both stubborn and difficult, we both guard ourselves, our feelings, we show not anyone that we too are vulnerable ..

For the past 3 months we have been texting one another quiet frequently. This has been a godsend as I know it has only made the 'moment' easier - I was still anxious getting off of the plane, trying to focus on remaining calm and non emotional, truth is I was aching to see my dad, he has always been so strong and I was aching for him to tell me that he knew I could live and fight this disease. I need the extra strength from his words to help me continue this journey is a positive light.. I usually use songs to stay focused with that fiery spirit .. songs like I previously mentioned .. its not my time - 3 doors down , fighter by Christina A... and the list goes on... this time however I needed something deeper... I needed the words of my father, someone I hadnt spoken to for a long time to tell me that everything would be ok...

Sure enough when I saw him, on came my 'armour' I remained calm .. smiled and gave him a hug .. as soon as I felt myself become emotional I quickly pulled away and ran into the car as if I was freezing and couldnt stand to be in the cold any longer. Some parts of me resent that I am such a hard arse and so fearful of feeling.. living the emotions .. but I just feel as though if I allow myself to slip and I allow myself to open up and be vulnerable, well I feel like I no longer would have the fight within, I would somewhat feel defeated.

The week was wonderful catching up with family and friends ..

My medication has really settled and I hardly have any hot flushes or side effects - a relief to me! I still feel mighty frustrated that I even have to be on this medication - I dont understand why I cant just have a hysterectomy ... after all if all my tumours are hormone receptive .. and if it is the hormones that my body produces that feed the hormones then why the hell cant I have the surgery .. to me it makes no sense .. so what if I am young - I would rather be young woman who goes through a hysterectomy than a young or even old woman who dies of cancer! I get so frustrated at my drs .. I am fearful as to what will happen once this treatment finishes after 5 years and my body starts producing the hormones again .. then what .. I wait and see if I again develop cancer? Fuck that - I aint waiting for such a thing... the more I think about it the more I am set on pushing my case forward for the surgery .. I am happy to wait for the 5 years to be up but I then instantly want it - it just makes no sense .. Am I a fricken lab rat for these doctors to experiment on? Grrr I get so angry when I think about it that I have to stop myself from getting worked up!!! Think happy thoughts!!!

Brad is away for work - that has been good for the break but it really does make me realise what an important part he plays in my life.

Beside the emotional war in my head that is played day in day out .. I have to say I have been very pleased with the changes I am making in my life. I feel fit, I feel healthy.

I have really made a concious effort to make sure that I eat well ... regulary and I have really ensure that my meals are that of a cave man diet. Now dont get me wrong - I am only human so ofcourse I break the rules .. but thats just it I dont have set rules, I just really try to eat the best possible foods with the choices I have infront of me.

I love exercising - especially my VGYM, however have been suffering without it for the past 7 days. It really does make me feel empowered .. being fit and healthy really does make me feel alive! Im down to 58.2 kilos- so I have definately shed some flab .. now my focus is to tone up. I believe the fitter and healthier I become the more of a chance I will have to fight this son of bitch disease that landed in my lap.

Im off to Sydney this weekend to catch up with some of my girlfriends - I cannot wait, surrounding yourself with good people and fun times really does enrich your life.

Off to bed now .. have the flu (no its not swine) so Im hoping it wont get in the way of me getting a much needed nights rest

x

On the eve ....

Its 11:33pm on the eve of my 1 year anniversary of being diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

I've spent the last 4 hours of my night on you tube .. reflecting ... I have been remembering what I have been through in the past year - remembering the pain of my journey -watching tribute video clips of Belinda Emmett & Jane McGrath that help me focus on my reason to fight, as personal as my journey it - it is also a public fight. One that we need to voice to ensure we raise awareness of this horrible disease. As much as I am a private person, I need to share my tears, my pain, my struggles with you all so that when someone asks you to donate towards finding a cure you dont think twice... so when someone else in your life lets you know this has happend to them too you may have some type of an insight into what they may be going through.

Every day is a constant struggle for me, a struggle to stay positive, a struggle to stay focused. I know that this disease will be with me for a life time - no matter how hard I try and stay positive there are times when I cant help but crumble.. like now.. as I type this tears flow down my face as I think about all I have been through, all that I will no doubt go through - and all that I wish I could have... peace. I just cant get out of my head how they say you are a survivor if you survive for 5 years once you have been diagnosed ... what the hell is 5 years?? I dont agree with that at all... I only see myself as a survivor of this disease if A) I die of old age or B) something else takes my life .. how the hell can 5 years be what we strive for to be called a survivor?

I always try and play the song - its not my time by 3 doors down - its my inspiration when I really find it tough to stay happy and positive.

I am so over having to go to Peter Mac for my appointments - Im over having to take my meds every day and Im over getting my injections - still I need to dig deep and remind myself atleast Im no longer having chemo .. arrrrghh I get so frustrated at times with myself when I get upset about this journey - I feel like it is getting the better of me at times when my mind cant escape thinking about it. It would explain why I over book my days and keep myself so busy so that I dont have time to think -

I feel so emotionally drained this evening - I wish my tears would stop already - I wish I could conquer my fear but I just cant. I know that the year ahead will hopefully be filled with many good times and hopefully with good health... but my only true wish is that I have a peaceful mind, If I could just stop my thoughts from ticking endlessly about this rollercoaster journey then maybe I could truly be me again for a moment -whats harder then the journey this disease has put me on is finding me again - and I mean really finding me, not the one that is running away from what I am going through, but me - happy, carefree me.

Sometimes I just type and not really focus on what Im typing so my apologies if it doesnt make sense at times.

With that I am going to have a peppermint tea and a long shower to try and ease myself to sleep.


much love - and goodnight x