Time does heal...

Well its been a lil while since I last blogged, I can honestly say that I have missed it. I guess it is just so healing ... speaking of healing ...

This past week I went to Adelaide to see my family, I was excited and nervous - I hadnt seem my dad for 3 years.. I hadnt seen him since I left my ex husband - not to mention since I have been ill.

My dad and I are so much a like, were both stubborn and difficult, we both guard ourselves, our feelings, we show not anyone that we too are vulnerable ..

For the past 3 months we have been texting one another quiet frequently. This has been a godsend as I know it has only made the 'moment' easier - I was still anxious getting off of the plane, trying to focus on remaining calm and non emotional, truth is I was aching to see my dad, he has always been so strong and I was aching for him to tell me that he knew I could live and fight this disease. I need the extra strength from his words to help me continue this journey is a positive light.. I usually use songs to stay focused with that fiery spirit .. songs like I previously mentioned .. its not my time - 3 doors down , fighter by Christina A... and the list goes on... this time however I needed something deeper... I needed the words of my father, someone I hadnt spoken to for a long time to tell me that everything would be ok...

Sure enough when I saw him, on came my 'armour' I remained calm .. smiled and gave him a hug .. as soon as I felt myself become emotional I quickly pulled away and ran into the car as if I was freezing and couldnt stand to be in the cold any longer. Some parts of me resent that I am such a hard arse and so fearful of feeling.. living the emotions .. but I just feel as though if I allow myself to slip and I allow myself to open up and be vulnerable, well I feel like I no longer would have the fight within, I would somewhat feel defeated.

The week was wonderful catching up with family and friends ..

My medication has really settled and I hardly have any hot flushes or side effects - a relief to me! I still feel mighty frustrated that I even have to be on this medication - I dont understand why I cant just have a hysterectomy ... after all if all my tumours are hormone receptive .. and if it is the hormones that my body produces that feed the hormones then why the hell cant I have the surgery .. to me it makes no sense .. so what if I am young - I would rather be young woman who goes through a hysterectomy than a young or even old woman who dies of cancer! I get so frustrated at my drs .. I am fearful as to what will happen once this treatment finishes after 5 years and my body starts producing the hormones again .. then what .. I wait and see if I again develop cancer? Fuck that - I aint waiting for such a thing... the more I think about it the more I am set on pushing my case forward for the surgery .. I am happy to wait for the 5 years to be up but I then instantly want it - it just makes no sense .. Am I a fricken lab rat for these doctors to experiment on? Grrr I get so angry when I think about it that I have to stop myself from getting worked up!!! Think happy thoughts!!!

Brad is away for work - that has been good for the break but it really does make me realise what an important part he plays in my life.

Beside the emotional war in my head that is played day in day out .. I have to say I have been very pleased with the changes I am making in my life. I feel fit, I feel healthy.

I have really made a concious effort to make sure that I eat well ... regulary and I have really ensure that my meals are that of a cave man diet. Now dont get me wrong - I am only human so ofcourse I break the rules .. but thats just it I dont have set rules, I just really try to eat the best possible foods with the choices I have infront of me.

I love exercising - especially my VGYM, however have been suffering without it for the past 7 days. It really does make me feel empowered .. being fit and healthy really does make me feel alive! Im down to 58.2 kilos- so I have definately shed some flab .. now my focus is to tone up. I believe the fitter and healthier I become the more of a chance I will have to fight this son of bitch disease that landed in my lap.

Im off to Sydney this weekend to catch up with some of my girlfriends - I cannot wait, surrounding yourself with good people and fun times really does enrich your life.

Off to bed now .. have the flu (no its not swine) so Im hoping it wont get in the way of me getting a much needed nights rest

x