Tonight is a sad moment .... I learnt just moments ago that a close family friend passed from ovarian cancer. I dont even know what to say or think ...
Last week in Adelaide I went and saw her in hospital .. she looked so frail ... I could hardly bring myself to make eye contact as it just brought up so many emotions. This lady had been the one my mum spoke about constantly throughout my journey, as whilst she was on a journey of ovarian cancer it was similar to mine, with all the chemo, surgeries - side effects etc.
I remember back to my mum giving me words of strength from this lady, everytime I heard about her fighting spirit, her will to live it made me fight even harder. When I had chemo and could hardly get myself out of bed I would think of her and how my mum kept making reference to how she would push herself to get up ..and slowly do things around the house .. she didnt want to die so she kept pushing herself to live. These stories helped me do the same, they helped me raise my head off my pillow when all I really wanted to do was lie there .. chemo felt like being hit by a truck.. yet knowing it was mind over matter I would get up ..get dressed and go to work .. I felt bad if I complained to much - after all we were both getting chemo and she seemed to be handling it so well, so why would I have a right to complain.
When I saw her in hospital I couldnt help but think - my god that could be me ... and thats thing that scares me ... it still could be me. I try not to think of the depth of this disease ... but it frightens me to my core. This is the first person since my journey that has passed because of the disease ... breast...ovarian .. lung ... it makes no difference ... the fact is Cancer is a bitch ... and it is so far more powerful then any of us care to allow ourselves to realise.
Her passing has really rocked me ... she was so positive .. such a fighter - yet it still managed to take her life. I sit hear typing this, with tears streaming down my face.... I dont want that to be me .. It makes me rethink about how they say this disease has a 5 year mark .. pass that and your a survivor. Well fuck that - I dont want to die of this disease - I want to live ... I want to see my lil boy go to school .. I want to see him fall in love, and travel and live life ... I want to be there to teach him how precious time is. I have truly found love for myself now and I am truly learning to live life and enjoy the beauty of it ... Its funny that its taken me 28 years to find a peace and belonging within myself- but now that I have it I am no way near letting go of it.
Its funny ... whilst so far I feel good I live with fear every day that my journey isnt yet over .. Ive even planned my funeral .. the songs that will be played .. the service ... the fact I want all my organs donated to science .. everything ... It makes me sick that, that is even on my mind at my age - but the reality is... it is ....
I try so hard to be positive everyday ... I try so hard to live life as healthy as possible ... I watch what I eat ... I exercise regulary - and I love it ... but the demons in my head about this journey never seem to rest.
Crying is healthy and healing .. so thats what I am exactly going to do ...
night x
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